The other day my little sister, Martha, asked me if my husband and I were trying to have a baby. We aren't.
Even a few weeks ago, I may have said, "I'm totally ready." I was seeing babies everywhere and each time I saw a tiny baby smile, or coo, or try to stand up, my heart ached with longing. Our plan was to start trying this month. Now I have to say that the idea of having my own baby is completely frightening to me again. There were a few weeks there when I really thought I was ready. I thought that it was time, and it seemed that everything had fallen into place. Now the dog has chewed a hole in our living room wall, and Jyoti has switched jobs, and it's Christmas shopping season, and I'm having issues from going off of Lexapro. I just feel like if these things are stressing me out so completely, I'm not sure I can add a whole child to the mix.
Aside from the birth process which you all know freaks me out, I also have these fears about what kind of parent I'll be. I'm afraid that I'll have rages like my mother had, or that I'll ignore my children like my father does. I'm afraid that I'll totally screw up the little child that comes into my life, and I'm not sure that I'm ready to take on that burden. I know that all children are a little screwed up and there is no way to avoid it. I just don't want them to be screwed up in the hoodied-college-student-with-a-gun way.
So I guess I'll give it a little while longer. Hopefully I'll be ready to commit by the time I'm 40.
I promise I'll let you know Martha.
6 comments:
All I can say is that it will happen when it's suppose to happen, if that makes sense. My first two children were not planned and both happen to come at a time that wouldn't have been planned for. The last child was suedo-planned (story for another day--this is your blog) but I can't imagine anything different now. Except I'd like to have another.
(won't)
You recognize your past, you already know what you DON'T want to do. The rest just comes. It can't be planned nor studied. It is clear to me that you and your husband are going to make FABULOUS parents.
I'm in a similar boat. I don't feel ready and am also scared of things. I hope I figure it out before 40 also. You're not alone! Thanks for sharing, it's good for me to know I'm not alone too...
Some of us think we'll have it figured out by 40; then 40 comes and goes, and we find we're still more frightened than longing. I then decided it wasn't for me. The key is to listen to what YOU want and how YOU feel. Sounds like you'll be a great mom if it happens, since you're already thinking so much about it, but if you ultimately decide you don't want to do it, well, that's absolutely fine, too (I think those who are struggling with the decision need to be told that, because so many will make you feel like there's something wrong with you if you ultimately decide not to have children. But you know what? There's nothing wrong with you, if you decide you don't want to have children. And not having a child you don't want is probably one of the most caring things you can do for that child).
Oh, Rachel.
So much good advice here already, but I'll add mine to the mix.
You'll sort of know when it's time. But you'll never really be ready. There's a lot of on-the-job training, though, so it works out.
Plus, I'll be there to help you. At a moments notice.
And you'll be a wonderful mom. Without a doubt. For reals.
As a mom to a 3 yr old and an 8 month old, I can say with all honesty that you are never 100% sure you're ready. I was terrified with both kids on and off but once you look at them this feeling of "I can do this." just bursts through. Mothers are extraoridinary people. Even though I do not know you, I am sure you will be a great one when the time arrives.
take your time, missy, and it will all be ok in the end :) and don't worry about being like our crazy parents! You'll be crazy in your own unique way :)Love you dear.
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