To clean or not to clean. That is the question.

How awful is it that I think it may be quicker and more cost efficient to purchase a new oven than to clean the one I have?

Last night my husband cooked shake and bake chicken (and I helped! Well, actually I didn't.), and our house filled with the lovely aroma of burnt food. It wasn't because he actually burnt the food, it was because, brace yourselves.....

Wehavelivedinourhouseformore thantwoyearsandIhavenevercleanedtheoven.

Shew! I got that out. It was painful to admit, but there it is. Now, sort of in my defense (or maybe this makes it worse) our oven was extremely dirty when we bought our house. I remember asking my real estate agent if I could have the previous owners clean the oven before we moved in. This is only because I was thinking that it hadn't been cleaned since, um, about 1997 when our house was built. He said that it would be ridiculous to ask for something like that, so I let it go. However, I have been too grossed out to clean it because the gunk is SO OLD IT'S NEARLY PETRIFIED.

So, back me having to clean the oven.

The thing is, it's not a self-cleaning oven. I would have to scrub it with, well, I'm not sure what, but I know I'd have to wear those huge, yellow, plastic cleaning gloves. I've seen it on t.v. and I'm pretty sure it's some kind of law.

I'm also sure cleaning the oven will take hours. In my mind I'm estimating about 10. Maybe 20. Then, I have to purchase the gloves. I'll have to have new ones because the only plastic cleaning gloves I have are pink, not yellow, and they are for scrubbing toilets, not cleaning something my food will go in. I'll also have to buy the cleaning supplies. Since the oven hasn't been cleaned in probably more than a decade, most likely I'll have to buy at least 10 times the amount of supplies one would normally purchase.

I estimate (including time and labour) the cleaning to cost approximately one million dollars. And that's just an estimate. It could be more due to the therapy I may need after the job has been completed.

Thoughts?

The Hole

My dream weekend consists of watching Nancy Grace reruns and eating rocky road ice cream straight out of the container while lounging on the couch with blankets piled up all around me. Occasionally I might play a game of Wii Mario Cart, sew a few seams or knit a few stitches on one of my many ongoing projects, but the majority of my time would be slothful. Gluttonous. Full of unnecessary rest and relaxation.

I haven't had a weekend like this ever since we got our puppy. Oh, I love Raja, but I dream of the day that he will stop leaping at my face and chewing up the carpet.

Raja's newest "thing" is chewing on the wall next to our kitchen. I've patched The Hole (the one that's been laughing at me in my dreams) a few times already, but for some reason he keeps going back to that spot. I've sprayed it with bitter apple, I've put him in puppy time-out, I've lunged at him, arms clawing at the air, screaming, "NOOOO!" Nothing has worked. It's like he knows that chewing on the wall is the thing that will bother me the most, so he stops by for a nibble any chance he gets.

Now, anytime I sit on my couch I see It. The Hole makes my pulse race because I worry that I will never be rid of It. When I'm 60, I'll look over at my husband, eyes wild with insanity, and scream, "THE HOLE! THE HOLE! WILL WE EVER BE RID OF THE HOLE?!?"

It's the stuff nightmares are made of.

Here's the truth

The other day my little sister, Martha, asked me if my husband and I were trying to have a baby. We aren't.

Even a few weeks ago, I may have said, "I'm totally ready." I was seeing babies everywhere and each time I saw a tiny baby smile, or coo, or try to stand up, my heart ached with longing. Our plan was to start trying this month. Now I have to say that the idea of having my own baby is completely frightening to me again. There were a few weeks there when I really thought I was ready. I thought that it was time, and it seemed that everything had fallen into place. Now the dog has chewed a hole in our living room wall, and Jyoti has switched jobs, and it's Christmas shopping season, and I'm having issues from going off of Lexapro. I just feel like if these things are stressing me out so completely, I'm not sure I can add a whole child to the mix.

Aside from the birth process which you all know freaks me out, I also have these fears about what kind of parent I'll be. I'm afraid that I'll have rages like my mother had, or that I'll ignore my children like my father does. I'm afraid that I'll totally screw up the little child that comes into my life, and I'm not sure that I'm ready to take on that burden. I know that all children are a little screwed up and there is no way to avoid it. I just don't want them to be screwed up in the hoodied-college-student-with-a-gun way.

So I guess I'll give it a little while longer. Hopefully I'll be ready to commit by the time I'm 40.

I promise I'll let you know Martha.

Ignorance is Blitz

As I work in Higher Education, I can't exactly say that I approve of plagiarism. In fact, I obviously don't approve of or condone it at all. However, there are times when dealing with an academic dishonesty violation may be easier for a professor than reading actual papers written by certain college students.

Today I found a book with dozens of examples of terrible, stupefying excerpts from college essays and papers. If you want to laugh until you cry (even the back of the book says you will!), I highly recommend it to you. The book was edited and compiled by Anders Henricksson and is entitled, Ignorance is Blitz, Mangled Moments of History from Actual College Students.

Here are a few tidbits that made my eyes water, both from laughter and pity.

"Prehistory, a subject mainly studied by anthroapologists, was prior to the year 1500. When animals were not availiable the people ate nuts and barrys."

"Rulers were entitled Faroes. A famed one was King Toot."

"Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion."

"The three gods were, 'Good,' 'Bad,' and 'Indifferent." These beliefs later resurfaced among the Manatees."

"Cesar inspired his men by stating, 'I came, I saw, I went.'"

"Mary and Joseph went from inn to inn trying to find a place for Jesus to be born, but they were refused everywhere because they were Jewish."

"Eventually Christian started the new religion with sayings like, 'The mice shall inherit the earth.' Later Christians fortunately abandoned this idea."

and my personal favourite:

"During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark."

I'm not sure if I should really react this way, but this book makes me feel very smart.

* UPDATE!: Fiona pointed out that the dark ages really were dark. History once again has triumphed. In case you still aren't a believer here is an article that can tell you all about it.
Who knew that student was a secret genius?

What does Heaven taste like?

I just ate the one type of cookie I swore I would never eat again. Nutter Butters. It's like heaven just died and fell down to earth to land on my tounge.

Who knew heaven was crunchy with a peanut butter filling?

Potty Training

My sister called me today. She said that Evie had something to tell me and she passed the phone to my niece. Here is a recap of the conversation:

Evie: "Poop!"
Me: *Uncomfortable giggle* "Um, Evie, did you just say Poop?"
Evie" "POOP!...POOPPOOPPOOP!"
Me: "Yeah, wow. I mean, hmm...I'm totally amazed."
Evie: "Poop!"

Then Sarah grabbed the phone.

Sarah: "Did you understand what she was trying to tell you?!?!?"
Me: "I'm guessing that she used the bathroom?"
Sarah: "TWICE! On the potty!"

This leads me to the point of this post. I never thought that my sister, the one who cried when she slipped in dog poop at Pet Co, would have ever, ever been this excited about poop.

Congratulations on your baby growing up, Sarah. You really are a good mother.