The here and now

It seems like lately I have often been reflecting on my life. I'm not sure if this review has been spurred by growing older, my mother's illness, or if it's simply a transition I'm going through that everyone faces at some point or another.

I've recently been contemplating where I've been, where I am, and where I'm headed. My life thus far has been such an interesting journey, and I'm wondering where I'll be in 10 years. 10 years ago I would have never thought that I'd be who I am or where I am today. I was such a jumbled mess of a person, and now, while I'm still a mess at times, I like who I've become. Sometimes I still feel the restless energy I felt when I was younger. At those times I want to throw a change of clothes into a case and set out on a crazy adventure that may end up back at home or, alternatively, somewhere among moss covered trees dancing in the moonlight with a group of people I hardly know.

I was telling my husband about how I may be going through my mid-life crisis. I've realized that there are several things I dreamed of doing that I won't ever do now. I won't study in Germany, I won't join the Peace Corps, I won't be an English teacher (or a German teacher for that matter!), and I'll never, never become a prima-ballerina-surgeon-archaeologist. While it makes me sad to know this, when I was speaking with him, I came to the realization that there are so many things that I've done that I never expected to do.

I've traveled all over the world. I've seen countries I never knew existed, and shared meals with amazing people that have changed my views on life, spirituality and what joy really is. I've married an amazing, kind and supportive man, and one day I will have his children. We will snuggle them silly until they can't stand us and begin to slam their doors in our faces. We will giggle behind their backs and joke about who is the most hated at the moment while simultaneously feeling the odd mixture of pain, hope and sheer exasperation all parents must sense at those moments. We will live and laugh and love, and eventually we will grow old together. When we retire we will cup tea in our hands on the porch while rocking in our chairs. We will bask in the twilight or the sunset or the bright, cheerful light of a spring afternoon.

These are things that I never imagined I would experience, and despite the dreams I had at 20, I'm so thankful I've made the decisions in my life that have brought me to this point.

I wouldn't trade the here and now for anything.