Comfort

I don't think that I'll ever be able to eat a grapefruit again. I came to this conclusion at about the same time the doctor was drawing his diagram on the dry erase board of the tiny, windowless consulting room my sister, my brother and I were sitting in.

I was looking at the carpet when he began talking to us about the grapefruit-sized cancerous mass that had invaded my mother's body. The carpet was dark gray Berber with flecks of colour. In my mind the flecks were red and blue and purple, but honestly I'm not certain of the exact colours today. They wove themselves together as tears sprouted from my eyes, but I remember trying to concentrate on the fibers so I could remain strong enough to ask important questions before the doctor left the room.

What did a 60% 5 year survival rate mean? What happens now? What does radiation do? And chemo, what exactly is chemo? Why did this happen to my mom? Is this genetic? Is there anything we can do to help her through this?

It felt like time raced by at some moments and slowed to a crawl at others. I'm not sure how long we were in that room, but after the doctor had answered our questions and left us alone, my brother, sister and I sat in silence for a moment. Then, I stood up and erased the picture the doctor had drawn on the board - it seemed as if it were too private for a stranger to view. We gathered our things and walked out of the room. Someone else would be needing it shortly, and I prayed silently that the next people visiting that room would be receiving happier news than we had just heard.

Our group trudged upstairs to my mother's hospital room to wait for her. In the elevator there was silence. It was as if we were mourning something. Perhaps we were mourning the belief that everything was okay, that the doctors were simply overreacting. After the doctor confirmed what we all were wishing not to hear, there was no way we could be in denial any longer.

That moment of realization was frightening - the moment when I realized that my mother would need a respite from being the caregiver. That she would need to be cared for and cheered up. She would need to be comforted rather than be the comforter.

But my mother is so strong. In the hospital, as she lay in the bed with tubes and IVs plugged into every part of her body, she told me that she felt lucky. She felt lucky to have more time to be with her family, that she caught the cancer in a very early stage, that the odds were on her side. She felt lucky just to be alive and have the chance to fight.

And my mom will fight. She's happy, she's active, she smiles and laughs. She has such a positive outlook about her illness.

Even though I thought that I would need to comfort her, she is still comforting me with her actions and words. And she amazes me more every day.

Why?

Why is it, that when it starts sprinkling, people drive 35 MPH on the highway?
Also, why is it, that when it starts pouring rain, I never have my umbrella?

PS. Someone please help me with my comma placement in the above questions. I'm very confused.

10 ways to impress a man

In my life, I've learned a few tricks that seem to impress men. Now, these things come natural to me, as I seem to be particularly gifted with the ability to drink beer and discuss sci-fi, but I thought that I'd share my secrets with any ladies out there in cyber world that might be interested.

1. Wear a dress. Yes, it is that easy.
2. Drink beer. Now, it can't be just any beer - it has to be a "man" beer. For some reason men are very impressed when a dress wearing woman strolls by with a Grolsch in her hand.
3. Win a beer chugging contest. This can melt even the stone-coldest of men.
4. Know all the names of the Ninja Turtles and their weapons.
5. Hum the Transformers' tune.
6. Talk about Star Trek. Now, to be fair, this may only impress the nerdy men, but at times good things come in geeky packages.
7. Say that you think Johnny Depp is over-rated,
8. But that Bruce Lee is amazing.
9. Perfect the ability of getting ready to go out in 10 minutes or less.
10. Begin a conversation with, "If I could have any super power it would be..."

So, those are my ten "secrets". What are yours?

100 Things About Me

1. I love art. I could spend 5 years in an art museum and never get sick of it. Almost every day I wish I would have been an art major rather than a language major. Art rocks my socks, German... not so much anymore.

2. Speaking of socks, I love silly ones. Today I'm wearing a pair of black socks with hot-pink polka dots. I started buying silly socks because I thought that they would be easier to match, but in fact they are worse than plain white socks. You can never replace a silly sock once it's lost. However, you can make a mean sock puppet out of a left over silly sock, some buttons, and a little bit of thread. :)

3. I believe that all dryers have tiny black holes that suck up socks. Most likely Maytag and Haynes have worked out some sort of conspiracy to improve their product sales. The dryers, of course, house the black holes, and the socks that remain in the dryer after the black hole has filled its belly (Is that even possible?), release lint to clog up your dryer filter, which eventually results in you either needing a new dryer or a repair man to come to your house. Anyway, My best guess is that all the socks go to another dimension that is full of socks, pens and pony-tail holders. Who knows, perhaps that missing ring from my sixth grade summer boyfriend is there too.

4. I never used a computer until college. Well, I guess that's not totally true. I did play Oregon Trail in elementary school.

5. I pronounce Oregon like "Organ."

6. I think that someone should make a game called Organ Trail. In the game the player could harvest organs from drunk tourists who make their way down to Mexico, and then sell them on the black market. I'm sure you are thinking, "What a sick idea for a game! There's something really wrong with this woman." I know! It's a crazy idea, but I'm pretty positive there's a market for it. And where there's money to be made...well, you won't find me there, but anyway...

7. I webmd everything. If I have a scratchy throat I webmd it. Because of the internet I'm always sure that I have some new, deadly and contagious disease. Once I was positive I had cancer. While that's not contagious, it is deadly. I didn't/don't have cancer...or so my doctor says...

8. For someone that thinks materialism is stupid, I really want a lot of stuff. I want a fireplace, I want hardwood floors, Bose speakers, every book written by Orsen Scott Card, a white leather purse, and many, many other things.

9. When I was about 5 years old a moth flew into my ear. I thought that it was eating my brain and I remember screaming, "It's eating my brain! It's eating my brain!" as it flapped around. My mom (being the good mom she is) poured water into my ear and drowned the winged creature. I'm sure she saved my life that evening since I probably would have had heart failure had she killed that moth even 3 seconds later.

10. I'm still frightened of moths and tiny bugs.

11. I'm terrible at math and geography. I chose German as my major in college partly because I didn't want to take college algebra. Maybe the moth really did eat part of my brain; the parts that house math, geography and good judgement skills.

12. I'm impulsive. I often act or speak first and think later. While I'm usually okay with that, other times I lie awake at night hoping that someone doesn't hate me for one of the stupid things I said that day.

13. All genres of Music are very important to me. I suppose I could be called a music snob at times. Several years ago, I actually got into an argument with a teenager at Hot Topic because they called Blink 182 "punk." It still gives me shivers when I think about it.

14. I hate Blink 182.

15. I hate Fall Out Boy.

16. I love James Taylor.

17. It bothers me when people spell grammar with an -er. That's just bad grammar. I also dislike it when people mix up there, their and they're, or two, to and too.

18. I'm not actually sure that bad spelling qualifies as bad grammar.

19. I use commas far too often. Once in high school, my English teacher said that we should be putting commas anytime we pause in a sentence. To be fair, I should have known better because she also said that "its" should always have an apostrophe. How did she get to become an English teacher?

20. I moved to Oklahoma when I was a Junior in high school. Big. Mistake.

21. I was a wild teen. I don't think that many people would guess that if they met me today. Most people think I've always been an innocent rule stickler, but as a teen I lived by my own rules. Of course rules made by a teenager aren't always the best rules. They are usually something like, "Never be late for a party, but arriving on time for work isn't that important. But don't go to work high... that often anyway."

22. Now I am a rule stickler. I always use my blinker, and I never go to work high. In fact, I don't even get high. See what a rule stickler I am?

23. I really hate it when drivers don't follow traffic laws. My driving pet peeves are when people don't use their blinkers, and when they try to turn one lane into two . IT'S ONLY ONE LANE PEOPLE!

24. I also hate it when bicyclists don't follow the traffic laws. I don't mind sharing the road with them, I just want them to stop at stop signs and traffic signals like I do. There's this billboard that I see every day on my way to work. It states, "Same taxes, same roads. Respect bicyclists." I always dream of getting out of the car and writing in thick black sharpie, "SAME ROAD, SAME RULES. RESPECT LAWS." So far I've managed to stay in the car, but I'm not sure how much more of the sign I'm able to take.

25. I'm an obsessive collector of pens, pencils and notebooks. Right now I have...22 writing utensils in my purse. And yes, I did just count them.

26. My favourite gum is Trident Splash Strawberry with Lime.

27. I like spelling favourite with a u. It makes me feel "worldly."

28. My knee hurts when the weather changes. I'm like an old woman. I always say to my husband, "Well, I guess the weather is about to change. My knee is hurting!" It's true that the weather does usually change... within the week.

29. I'm always a little ticked off when St. Louis isn't included in the lists of America's Large Cities.

30. I've traveled a lot. I've been to Germany 4 times, Austria, England, Dubai, Abu Dabi, Mexico and Bangladesh. However, I've never been to Chicago which is 5 hours away. Take that big city.

31. My favourite city I've ever been to is Munich. I'd move there in a heartbeat. Of course, I'd have to live in a teeny, tiny apartment, I'd probably be unemployed, and I'd have to scrounge food out of trashcans, but I'd still go.

32. My main reason for moving to Munich is the amazing bookstore they have across from the Rathaus-Glockenspiel. The bookstore is called Hugendubel and it's one of the most fabulous places I've ever been.

33. I never get rid of a book. I just know one day people will see me on TLC, the walls of my house lined with stacks and stacks of books. On the show people will be trying to coax me into selling them or giving them to charity, but I won't do it. Then, at the end of the documentary, I'll be found smothered under a collapsed pile. Ah, my sad, sad, totally foreseeable future.

34. It bothers me when people use the term underemployed instead of unemployed. If you don't have a job, you are UNemployed. If you have a job, but you are doing something far below your skill level, then you are underemployed. Yes, it's true. They are two totally different things.

35. I have a tattoo on my ankle that I got when I was 17. It was given to me while I was drunk at my friend's roach-infested house with a homemade gun that used a guitar string as a needle. Needless to say, it is not pretty.

36. I was married for a month when I was 18. I usually lie about it and simply call him my high school boyfriend because I don't think that "marriage" really counts. It was totally practice.

37. I met my real husband at a Delta Chi fraternity party when I was 19.

38. When I met my husband, I pretended to know where Bangladesh is. The truth was that I had to go to the library to look it up the next day. This is yet another testament to my lack of geography skills.

39. I feel like the luckiest woman alive to have my husband. I'm not always nice to him (even though I should be), but he's truly the best man I've ever met. He cooks, he does laundry, and he makes me feel like the most special woman alive.

40. I do not have children although I'm 30.

41. It bothers me when strangers ask me why I don't have kids yet, or when I plan on having children. I wish I had a funny retort, but I can't ever think of anything that nicely sums up my thought of, "Mind your own damn business, Snoopy."

42. I'm actually normally a very open person. I'm even quite the over sharer at time.

43. I have a pre-occupation with the way toilet paper comes off of the roll. In my opinion, it has to be pulled from up and over the top of the roll, not under the bottom (where it can get stuck!) of the roll. My obsession with this is so insane, that I'll even rearrange the toilet paper at a friend's house (or a bar bathroom) if it is "incorrectly" installed.

44. I only use one type of soap to wash my face - Cetaphil cleansing bar for dry sensitive skin. It's amazing.

45. Every morning I consume copious amounts of caffeine.

46. I still love to colour. I have a My Little Pony colouring book stashed in my guest bedroom for when I'm bored.

47. I prefer red grapes to green.

48. My doctor once told me that I have the cleanest ears of anyone he has ever seen, a fact which I am oddly proud of.

49. I am stubborn, but I blame it on astrology. I am an Aries (ram), my Chinese zodiac is a goat, and my name means lamb. With that combination of things, who wouldn't be a little hard-headed?

50. I secretly love it when my husband threatens our puppy with a time-out.

51. I sing loudly when I'm driving alone in the car.

52. I didn't drive until I was 23 years old. I tried to learn once when I was 17, but I gave up when I hit a stop sign and then drove into a ditch.

53. I don't like birds even though they eat bugs and tiny moths. They are dirty, and they are loud.

54. I am quickly becoming amazing at Wii RockBand.

55. I've worn glasses since I was in 5th grade. My first pair were brown plastic frames and went from my eyebrows to the middle of my cheek. You can sort of see them in this picture.

56. At the same time I got glasses, I was also "blessed" with a mullet. The combination of these two things sealed my pre-teen fate as a total nerd in middle school.

57. That mullet was one of the most traumatic haircuts I've ever received. You see, I wanted feathered bangs, but I walked out of the beauty school (where they gave $3 haircuts) with a full fledged mullet. So did my sisters Sarah and Martha, and my brother Zachary. After many years of thinking about this, I have come to the conclusion they must have been practicing mullets in beauty school that week. I probably could have asked for a trim, and left with a mullet. However, Billy Ray Cyrus would have been pleased.

58. I still cringe when I see the school pictures that were taken a week after the mullet tragedy. In mine, I'm standing next to a giant yellow pencil, a strained smile on my face. I'm sure I was already regretting not faking an illness that morning, and instead having to have that moment captured in time - mullet, glasses and all.

59. I like sneezing.

60. And having the hiccups.

61. I really wish I could lick my elbow.

62. I believe that everything in your life happens for a reason, and that every experience is a chance to learn something new.

63. If I had a time machine and I could go back to one time in my past, I would go back to the last time I visited my grandmother before she passed away. I would spend hours with her, and ask her every question I could think of that I had never asked her before. And I would tell her that I love her - a hundred times.

64. My favourite scent is grapefruit.

65. I love snuggling with my puppy.

66. I wish I could appreciate wine, but it gives me a stomachache.

67. I can appreciate cheese, and I "appreciate" (aka: eat) it as often as possible.

68. I wish I knew Kung Fu.

69. If I could choose any superpower, it would be the power of Psychic Punch. With that power, I could deliver a mighty blow to someone from thousands of miles away simply by thinking about it. Of course, I would have to keep this power a secret, since if anyone found out it was me psychically punching them, I'd have to worry about retaliation in the form of Psychic Roundhouse Kick.

70. I would love to spend the night in the Amityville Horror House or the Myrtles Plantation.


71. If I had to choose between being a monster or an alien, I would choose being an alien. Unless I would have to be a slimy alien. Then I would choose being a monster; a fuzzy monster, like that one in Monsters Inc.

72. I love Liquid Paper DryLine Grips, but it bothers me that they are called "liquid paper" when there is nothing liquid about them.

73. I'm bossy, but I'm okay with that. However, how other people feel about it may be a different issue.

74. I love jewelry. And shoes. That may be why I've always had a little bit of an obsession with Dorthy's Ruby Slippers; they are a combination of two of my favourite things.

75. I go to Walgreen's nearly every day.

76. I wish I had a Mensa-level IQ.

77. because then I would lord it over people of lesser intellect.

78. Actually, I wouldn't do something like that.

79. I like my coffee cold and black.

80. I'm not a fan of Tootsie Rolls.

81. I think the world would be a better place without blueberries.

82. I cry. A lot.

84. I also over-react. A lot.

85. Usually I over-react and then cry. It's the worst combination ever because then I just come off as crazy.

86. I have written, but never mailed, thank-you notes.

87. I know the phonetic alphabet.

88. I love riding in trains.

89. I love sleeping during road trips.

90. I enjoy folding fitted sheets.

91. I learned how to fold fitted sheets from a video on the Internet.

92. I also fold underwear. I learned how to do that from Who's The Boss.

93. I love to bake, but I can't cook at all. Once, when we first started dating, I tried to impress my husband with a home cooked meal. I thought about it all day and finally decided to make honey-glazed salmon. I bought all of the ingredients and called a local restaurant to find out how to use the broiler in my oven, but when Jyoti arrived and I took the salmon out of the oven it wasn't cooked thoroughly. Then, I put it back in the oven and it caught on fire... We went out for Thai food, and Jyoti has rarely asked me to cook for him since.

94. I have a difficult time conforming to how others think I should act, even if a change would help me in the long run.

95. I love the sound of my husband's laughter.

96. I have read Jane Eyre more times than I can remember.

97. I think that everyone deserves a happy ending.

98. I can sew.

99. I can't dance.

100. It has taken me since October 2008 to complete this list

Over the hill already??

Tomorrow I turn 30. Now, realistically, I know that 30 isn't old, but there have been a few things that have thrown a wrench into my "30 is still young" mindset.

1. My hairdresser found a gray hair during my last appointment.

2. When I told my neighbor's daughter that I was turning 30 tomorrow, her jaw dropped and she exclaimed, "30!?!"

and last but certainly not least,

3. My husband just brought me a cake; not to say,"Happy Birthday," but to help me bid goodbye to my 20s, or in his words, my youth.

Lesson learned

When I was a child, my dream was to become a prima-ballerina/archaeologist/surgeon/fashion designer. When I ran out of aluminium foil to create clothing for Barbie, I would amputate her legs, bury them outside to dig up later after they had "fossilized," and then practice my pirouette in the kitchen while clutching Barbie's naked, limbless body. My parents spent a lot of money on both Barbie dolls and ballet lessons (perhaps they should have invested in therapy for me instead), but neither of these things led to much that was helpful later in life.

My primary goal was to be a ballerina. I lived, ate and breathed ballet, and I have to admit, I always thought I was a wonderful dancer. Although I never received a lead role in a recital, during the show I was always the one tree dancing out of sync with the rest of the forest. When the other trees would scamper left, I would throw my arms into the air and spin in a circle to the right. Ballet was much more dramatic that way, and by dancing to my own tune, I received far more attention and smiles than the other girls. Even then, the power of hamming it up for the crowd was not lost on me.

I didn't learn much ballet technique since I was so intent on charting my own dance waters, and until today, I thought I hadn't learned anything other than the fact that I'm a bit of an attention hog who dances to her own beat. However, I thought about my childhood ballet lessons this afternoon when, on the way to lunch, I tripped down the stairs and sprained my ankle in front of a group of my co-workers. I. Wanted. To. Die. But as I stood there with my eyes full of tears that were more embarrassment than pain, I heard the faint, far-away voice of my ballet teacher (In my memory she sounds much more Glenda-the-Good-Witch than normal-woman-from-Oklahoma).

"If you make a mistake, just keep going!"

So, even though my pride was severly wounded, I didn't run away. I picked myself up and continued on with the day. I guess my parents' money wasn't completely wasted.

My Dream: The Newbery Medal

For my first order of business, doesn't anyone want something made by me?

Secondly, I have, of late, been consumed by reading children's books. This is not only because I find children's literature insanely wonderful, but also because I've started working on my "great American (children's) novel." Now, don't laugh, but I plan to win the Newbery Medal, and I promise that I'll remember you all when I'm rich and famous. Leave a comment and I may even mention you on the Today Show when I'm interviewed by Matt Lauer.

Matt: "Rae, who was your greatest inspiration when writing this book?"
Me: "Normally people would say their significant other, but you know Matt, I'd have to say my blogger friends: ______, _______, _______, and ______. Their comments really kept me going."

In preparation for my great, award-winning work of fiction, I recently read two winners, The Graveyard Book, and The Tale of Despereaux: Being the Story of a Mouse, a Princess, Some Soup and a Spool of Thread. I thought that perhaps I would gain some insight into the minds of children and maybe come up with some ideas for how to write engaging dialogue for my own main characters, but to my surprise I fell into these books with all the abandon of a 12 year old.

On Sunday evening I read The Tale of Despereaux in one sitting. I read through dinner (it's extremely difficult to eat nachos while holding a book), and I read through The Tudors, and although my husband begged me to turn out the light and go to sleep, I read far past bedtime. I just couldn't stop; I was like an addict. What was that mouse going to do next??? My heart ached to know the conclusion of the characters' stories. I kept telling myself, "One more word. That's all... one more page. No more than that. Well, maybe one more chapter..."

I read until my eyes were droopy, and finally, when the last page contained no more words, I was so sad that the story was over. I wanted more.

If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll tell you a secret..... I liked The Tale of Despereaux just as much as I liked *Harry Potter*. I may even have liked it more....

(I feel like I just committed a sin by admitting that.)

After reading these two stories, I'm certain that I have a lot of work ahead in order to win the Newbery Medal. Even if I don't win with this story, hopefully I can write something that has people begging to stay up in order to read one more page.

However, if I do win, I promise one great party. Consider that a bribe Newbery Medal judges.